Why Go After a Married Man?



Why would a woman be attracted to a married man when she could have eligible single men? It’s not as simple as, “They’re cheaters! There’s no rhyme or reason.” In fact there are psychological reasons why certain people choose to cheat and with whom. So if Kristen already had a lover, is rich and famous and can probably have her choice of single men, why make it so complicated by falling for a married man?

Yet, the fact that he IS married is what drove this 22 year old toward him.

You might think that after all of her success she feels great about herself, but that isn’t true. This situation has made her (and Rupert Sanders, father of 2) look quite pathetic. She will be called a home-wrecker forevermore. Even if she had some dream of the romance working out, which it never would long term, would these children every accept her? She has placed herself in a compromised position that will never allow this relationship to bring her uncomplicated love.

But people who don’t value themselves deep down have a way of creating emotional messes in their lives. Their choices shout, “I need struggle. I need to take myself down a notch.” They don’t cognitively think this as they’re behaving in an unhealthy way. But that is what is promoting their behavior.

Choosing to fall in love with a married man can feel especially exciting for someone who doesn’t really like herself. After all, she gets to convince herself that she is so lovable, she could sway a man away from his committed relationship. But anyone who needs such convincing is in deep emotional trouble that getting one man’s attention will not fix. It’s like the bully needing to prove himself by overpowering others. If you feel good about yourself inside you don’t need to prove anything.

If you don’t like yourself internally, falling in love with a married man is the perfect poison. A married man presents someone who will give you quite a struggle. You must sneak around and can never feel whole in the relationship. He might go back and forth in his decision to have you as his girlfriend. You will always be the potential reason for his breaking up his family and he might resent you one day. It all adds up to never really having him for yourself. Does a deserving woman who likes herself put herself in that kind of position? Never.

Often, women who have had disconnected relationships with their fathers will find adult male relationships that don’t work. They kick themselves later for not seeing what was so obvious to their friends. When they’re involved in the romance, however, they run like the wind toward men who will remind them of similar feelings they experienced around their fathers. It’s a simple trick the mind plays; if a woman’s familiarity is to feel great angst with her father when she was little, her mind will push her toward similar feelings throughout life. The man she falls in love with may not look or seem similar to her father in any way, but if he’s married, he presents a relationship full of angst. Kristen might look the part of success, but she’s working at taking her emotional self exactly where she seems comfortable internally, down the rabbit hole, inviting turmoil and tension in her love life.

Of course, Rupert must have his own host of unhealthy issues to have shamed his family and his innocent children. But women beware. If you keep finding yourself in unhappy romances, try to confront yourself and see what you may be doing to invite hardship into your relationships. For starters, stay far away from married men.

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M. Gary Neuman is a New York Times best-selling author, and creator of Neuman Method Programs. He was on the Oprah show 11 times as well as having made multiple appearances on Today, Dateline, the View, NPR and others.  Oprah referred to Gary as “One of the best psychotherapists in the world.”